Strange Days

This is a strange time. The days are long and surgery seems so far away from now. I am happy to have this “normal” time with my family and friends, but it’s not really normal. I will be doing fine and then… suddenly, waves of anxiety rush through me. Mini panic attacks. At the weirdest times. Work is definitely a good distraction and just keeping busy in general helps. When I have too much time on my hands things get hard.

I am really trying to stay off the internet, but it is difficult. Things will pop up in my newsfeed and literally ruin my day.

For example, yesterday I was just innocently going through my Facebook feed when this news story popped up. It’s about a woman who thought she had stage 1 breast cancer, and was trying to make the best of the situation by having a positive attitude about it. She had a little “Ta-Ta to the Tatas” party to say goodbye to her breasts. When they did her surgery, the doctors found that her cancer was not Stage 1, but Stage 4 and had spread throughout her body and into her bones.

“But…did she have an MRI?” I want to ask.  “Was her bloodwork normal?  Did she go to an amazing facility like MD Anderson to have her scans?” I desperately want to know these answers to try to soothe my fears of that happening to me.

Then, there is this woman, whose blog I recently devoured. When her surgery was over the initial tests said it was not in her lymph nodes.  Her family cheered and celebrated…no chemo!! Then, a week later when the final pathology came back, they found it was in her lymph nodes after all. Not only did they have to go back in for a second surgery to get more nodes, but she surely did need chemo.

I know its probably not healthy to read these stories. I have to focus on my own situation and everyone’s story is different. I am trying.

By the way, people are awesome. So many friends doing little things to help me out, even just checking in with a quick text or call..it really helps. Truly. When I am having a bad moment or occasionally feeling alone, that feeling of support makes such a difference. People have been so great and it means so much to me.

Thank you. XOXO

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